Love
by bittersweet autumn
Summary: Sorato and Taiora. Matt broke up with Sora, and Sora has a difficult time moving on, even with her friend Tai by her side. What makes it even more difficult is Matt isn't letting Sora move on while that's the only thing Tai wants her to do.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: blah blah, if you're here, you know it. **  
**

**Love**

**Chapter One**

I stared at my arm. I was disgusted with myself. The brief moment of relief that it gave me went as quickly as I had done it. A trickle of blood dripped down. My body shook as I threw the knife across the room. _No, no more_, I tried telling myself there was no way I was going to let it get to me like this. I had never done this before or even imagined it, but the pain was too much to bear.

My breathing got heavier, the pain in my chest set in, I couldn't take it. It was as if I was having a panic attack. Never have I felt this bad before. I collapsed onto my bedroom floor, and sobbed.

I'm broken.

_Earlier_

Our anniversary was coming up. I could barely hold in my excitement. I've never been in love or had feelings for anyone as much as I do for him. We had just come back from a vacation together, and everything was perfect. So many people mistake us for being a newlywed couple - that was the kind of bliss that we were giving off. I loved him, and he loved me. With only a few days to go, I rushed around the mall trying to find everything in order to make our day perfect. After all, with only three days to go, there wasn't much time. So there it was, staring at me, the bracelet with an engraving, the perfect card that took a half an hour to pick out, the massage oil, the candles and of course the lingerie.

Of course...asides from having Matt in my life, things were not perfect. I was twenty years old...about to turn twenty-one and I was about to finish university, yet I still had no idea what I was going to do. The job I wanted was difficult to get into...there were way too many teachers out there and not enough positions...I still lived at home as well, and had a lame part-time retail job to support my spending habits. I was feeling down, but of course when you love someone and you know that they love you back, just the thought of them makes you smile.

I felt my wave of bad mood coming on and started to cry, and I figured that this time I should call Matt, and talk to him.

He picked up, "hey, I'm busy right now. I'm watching a movie so I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

"But..."

"Goodnight." And he hung up.

I stared at the phone not wanting to believe what had just happened. Thirty minutes passed when I called him back angrily and crying, "Matt, I've been feeling really bad lately, can we please talk?"

He sighed, "listen, Sora, I'm really tired right now, I had a long day, now I just want to relax so I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"But I've been feeling really depressed and down...I need someone to talk to."

"If you're feeling depressed and down, I'm not the one to help you with that."

I was confused, "but aren't you my boyfriend? I wanted to talk to you about it."

"I'm tired."

I sobbed onto the phone, "but you're supposed to make me feel better when I cry, don't you love me?"

Silence. After what seemed like forever he said "honestly...I don't know."

So there it was. I sobbed on the phone. I was already sitting on my bed, yet somehow I had slid onto the floor. He told me he didn't love me anymore, he told me that when he said 'I love you' last week, he suddenly realized he didn't mean it. He said it happened gradually. And at my weakened state, I begged him to not break up with me, whatever was bothering him we could fix it. I wanted a second chance. I pleaded. I was weak. I couldn't think, I couldn't believe what was happening, how could it be that one hour ago everything was just fine? He told me he was tired and would talk to me about this in person tomorrow.

So then it happened, my mind just went blank with all the pain I felt, and I picked up the sharp knife from downstairs, and brought it to my room and I stood there and made a small cut into my arm. And then I made another one, and another one.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with this pain.

I cried myself to sleep that night. After calling Mimi and telling her everything, she herself couldn't believe it, because even to her, everything had seemed to be going well and suddenly, out of the blue it happened. I woke up after an hour of sleep and cried some more. It hurt. My heart actually felt like it was in pain.

But I told myself to get up and so I did, I did it slowly, step by step, I took a shower, I blow-dried my hair, then I straightened it, and dressed. He told me he was going to see me today, and that was my motivation for leaving the house.

I called him from school, we were supposed to meet there and talk, it was 9:00am. He didn't pick up. Not caring how desperate it would look to him, I kept calling and calling, but he never picked up. Finally after a long and endless five minutes he called back. He told me he didn't sleep until 5, and that he'd be at school to talk to me sometime before 12:30.

So I sat there and waited. I found an empty classroom where we could talk, and at 12:15 he called and said he was here. So then he walked into the room. He didn't look any better than I did, but I still felt love for him, I wanted more than anything for him to just say it was all a joke, or a lie, or just a nightmare that I had and I wanted him to kiss me so bad. But instead he just asked me how I was feeling.

I cried, "why are you doing this?"

He explained to me. It was my jealousy, it was the pressure he felt from the relationship, and it was simply the fact that he didn't love me anymore. He only saw me as a friend. I didn't want to believe it. Again I sobbed and begged for another chance, and all he kept saying was no. I told him that I had forgiven him twice, and why couldn't he just do it this once for me? I just wanted things to work out. I wanted him to hold me and tell me he loves me. After talking in circles for an hour he said he had to go. I told him I didn't want to be alone, and begged him just to stay. Glancing at my arm, I was scared to be alone with myself. But he just looked at me, and said sorry. He kissed my forehead and walked out of the room and left me there to cry.

Over the next few days there were moments we talked over the phone.

I realized my mistakes.

He realized his mistakes.

We talked things out to try to understand each other and what went wrong in our relationship.

I was a jealous person, and I let things get to me easily and overreacted.

He misinterpreted a lot of things and kept all his problems inside.

He felt pressured because I loved him so much, and it made him feel guilty and that I deserve someone who would love me as much as I love him.

He told me he regretted his decision, and how he handled things, and that maybe he should've taken some time during the vacation to have a serious talk about our relationship.

But still, we weren't back together.

He said he needed time to think and that 'there's always hope'.

But I was an idiot and I kept calling him, just wanting to hear his voice, just hoping that he'd tell me he realized that it was a huge mistake and he wanted to try and work things out.

I knew I shouldn't have called, but I couldn't help it. I was weak and I gave in.

Then he told me to stop calling him everyday, because now I was giving him more pressure and that he really need time.

I'm afraid though, I'm afraid that if I give him all that time he'll realize that he doesn't need me.

So I spent most of the week lying in bed, waiting for the call. I would go out with friends for a few hours, but it wasn't great, my mind was elsewhere. I wanted him. I needed him.

The longer I waited, the angrier I got. How could he throw our relationship away like that? We were happy, we were good, we had been through so much together, and I loved him, so much.

Then I ran into someone.

It was someone who had been my best friend in the past, but I knew the reason we didn't talk anymore was because I started a relationship with Matt.

I ran over to him and hugged him. I pretended everything was okay, we talked about everything except relationships. For the first time in a week I was happy.

Tai and I started talking more for the next week. We called each other everyday, it was then, he finally asked me how Matt was, and I told him, everything, the happiness and the sudden shock and heartache.

"Sora, he's just an idiot, he'll come around and realize he still loves you, just give him time."

"I don't want to give him time! I want him to make up his mind, I know I sound impatient, but why do I have to wait around for his answer? Why can't he just either break me even more so that I'll hate him, or get back together with me? I hate that he's giving me hope."

"So then don't wait, spend time with friends, especially awesome ones, like me," and he gave me that dorky smile that I didn't even realize I missed so much.

"Oh, Tai! I missed you...why did we ever stop talking?"

"Sora...You know why..."

And I knew...I still remembered that day when I stood outside debating whether or not I should give Matt the cookies. The look on Tai's face and the sound of his voice still made me cringe. I felt so guilty, but I didn't have feelings for him. I had...at one point, but he never made a move and it was just frustrating...and besides...after finally seeing Matt when everyone met up again, we just started talking more and I eventually developed feelings for him instead.

"I'm sorry."

"Its okay, Sora, we're talking again now, and that's all that matters."

I smiled, I felt grateful to have Tai come back into my life again.

Another few days went by without hearing anything from Matt. I deleted his number off my phone knowing that I'd have more time to stop myself from calling. It hurt so much inside...there was a part of me that didn't want to let go of my hope, I wanted to keep holding on, I wanted to wait for him. But the longer I waited, the more I cried. It wasn't the sobbing that I did weeks ago, instead now it was tears running down my cheeks anytime during the day. Just when I was starting to feel numb, the pain would hit me again.

Then he called. Being the idiot that I was, I picked up.

"Hey, Sora...how are you feeling?"

"...I don't know."

"Well...you know I'm always here for you right? I'm worried about you."

"Why?"

"Because, Sora, I still care about you...just because we're not together, it doesn't mean I don't care. We can still talk to each other, and you can tell me how things are going in your life. I still want you in my life...as a friend."

I sat there in silence, "...I gotta go, Matt," and I hung up. I kept my phone in my hands for about five minutes, hoping he would call back, but he didn't.

I wanted to talk to him, so bad, but I told myself I shouldn't, because it was simple as this, _he doesn't love me anymore__ and it was time to move on._

When that harsh reality hit, I felt the pain all over again...but this time I knew that I couldn't be alone. So I called Tai.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Tai, can we get together?"

"When?"

"Right now...I really need someone to talk to."

"Uh, sure, Sora, I'll be right over, give me about thirty minutes."

We hung up and I walked over to my mirror.God I look like such a mess. So for the first time in weeks I wanted to make an effort. If Matt was going to leave me, I should make him regret it. I stared at myself, and studied my features. I wasn't ugly...I was pretty. Sure, I'm not top model material, but I know that I am attractive, I had to be. I mean...a rock star like Matt did fall for me one point. I smiled weakly at my reflection and then got out my makeup. Slowly I improved myself...first the foundation...at an attempt to cover up the dark circles I was starting to develop over the lack of sleep...then I put on mascara and eyeliner...it made my eyes not so sad anymore...then I put on blush and lipstick...finally some colour to my face after weeks of looking pale. I brushed my hair out and straightened it, I took off the frumpy clothes I was wearing and changed into a pair of shorts and a fitted t-shirt. I looked into the mirror again and felt slight happiness. I didn't look that bad anymore...I looked almost like myself again.

Then the doorbell rang, I opened it up and Tai greeted me with a hug. "Hey! You actually look good today!"

"What do you mean 'actually'?"

"Uh...I mean...you know...uhh...heh heh sorry!"

I smiled and gave him a light punch. "Yeah...I know. This must've been the first time I wore makeup in weeks."

"I mean! It's not that you look bad or anything without it! I just meant that you look better than usual. I mean! Ah! Okay there is no way that this is gonna sound right."

I giggled. "Tai, it's okay! Everyone knows girls look better with the proper makeup on, and anyone who can't admit it is deluded."

"Alright...so what did you want to talk about?"

"Well...let's drink first!" I walked over to the alcohol cabinet and pulled out some vodka, went to the fridge and pulled out juices. He followed me to the counter and sat a stool.

"Uh...what are you making?"

"Sex on the beach...it's my favourite drink...want one?"

"Not really...it sounds kinda girly."

"Fine, you can have straight shots of the vodka then." I poured the vodka into a shot glass for him and he drank it right away. "Hey! You didn't even wait for me to get my drink yet!"

"Ha ha sorry, couldn't help it."

I smiled and mixed my drink first and then poured him another one. "Well...this is to you, and your awesomeness and me and my awesomeness!" We downed both our drinks and I sat down next to him.

"So, Sora, what's with the spontaneous invite over?"

My smile disappeared, "oh...well..."

He looked into my eyes which were starting to form tears. "It's Matt again isn't it? Sora! I thought you told me you were ready to move on, or that you've already started to!"

"Well...I kept telling myself that! I thought that by telling myself, I'd be able to...but then he called me today..."

"What did he say?"

"Nothing really...that he was always going to be there if I needed a friend to talk to..."

"And that's not what you want."

"No...It's too hard to be a friend with someone you love."

"Yeah...I know." I looked over at Tai, for the first time in these past weeks I saw him look sad, but a split second later he was smiling again. "Come on Sora, let's have another drink."

The two of us moved to the living room couch and drank and talked until we were both too drunk to carry on a normal conversation. Then the sleepy part of the drunken phase hit us and I started to fall asleep on the couch sitting next to Tai.

"Mmmm, Sora...Isn't your mom gonna kick my ass if she finds out that I let you get drunk?"

"No...she's away...visiting dad."

"Oh okay...yay..." Five seconds later, I heard snoring next to my ear. I passed out as well.

I woke up the next morning when I felt a strong bright light going through my eyelids. I groaned. Slowly I opened my eyes and saw Tai sleeping next to me on the couch...although I was about to fall over. I was about to get up and brush my teeth and get myself looking decent...before Tai had to wake up to my morning monster, but something stopped me. I was comfortable lying there next to him. Maybe I just missed having the company...and waking up next to someone. So I laid there for another hour with Tai sleeping peacefully before I finally got up. I walked over to the cabinet and took two aspirins and drank them down quickly, the last thing I needed was a bad hangover. I walked over to the coffee table next to the couch and set a glass of water and the bottle in case Tai woke up while I was showering. I brushed my teeth and took a quick hot shower. When I walked into my room to find something to put on, I noticed my phone beeping on my dresser. I walked over to it and saw that I had 10 missed calls, and they were all from Matt. The peacefulness that I felt when I woke up was suddenly gone, all that I felt right was anger. I threw my phone onto my bed when I heard it ring again. It was Matt...After a few seconds of hesitation, I picked up.

"Hello?"

"Sora! Where were you...I was getting worried."

"What does it matter to you Matt?"

"Sora, just because we're not together, it doesn't mean I don't care about you! After you hung up, I realized that I might've made you feel even worse...so I got worried...I heard from Mimi...what you did...to your arm."

"I'm fine Matt."

"Are you sure? I'll come over."

"Matt, I said I'm fine!" But he had already hung up. I tried to call him back, but he didn't pick up. Sighing, I slowly dressed myself and brushed out my hair. Suddenly I realized Tai was still sleeping. I ran out into the living room about to wake him up, but found him there sleeping so peacefully. Besides...waking up someone the next morning when they've drunken that much wasn't always pleasant.

Then I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and there stood Matt. This was the first time I saw him in weeks...and as always...he looked amazing. I felt the pain hit me again. "Hey, Sora," he gave me a hug.

I backed away from him quickly. "Hey, Matt..." I was unable to look at his eyes...those amazing eyes...I bit my lip. "Matt, I told you I was fine, you didn't have to come."

"I know...but I just had to know that you were okay...and make sure you weren't lying about it."

"I'm fine."

We stood there silently for a while. "Alright...well I got to get to my band prac-" I noticed him looking on the hallway mat. His eyes were on Tai's shoes. "Someone's over? A guy?"

"Matt, just go." I tried to close the door on him but he stopped me, he had the look in his eyes...the jealousy...he hadn't looked that way in years.

"Sora! Answer me! I know you were hurt but that doesn't mean you have to sleep with some random person!"

Feeling furious I yelled back, "I didn't have sex with anyone! You know I'm not like that! You of all people should know! And it's not some random guy! It's Tai! And why should it matter to you anyways if it was anyone else? You broke-"

"Tai's here?" Matt's voice cracked. "I thought you haven't talked to him in years..."

"Yes! Goodbye Matt."

"...Bye."

I closed the door and fell to the floor and tears started to roll down my eyes. Tai walked over and sat down next to me. "Hey...Sora...don't cry again." He put his arms around my shoulders.

"It hurts, Tai...I still love him..." I sobbed onto his shoulder. I couldn't believe that he would think that of me...I thought he knew me.

"It's okay...you'll move on...you're a strong and an amazing person Sora, you'll be okay. I'll be here for you." He stayed there for another hour as I wept, then he left because he had to go home to do some errands.

The following day after class, Matt was waiting for me outside the lecture hall. "Can we talk, Sora?"

"About what?"

"Come over to my place, Sora, so we can talk privately."

"You're not telling me what you want to talk about."

"About us."

"There isn't an 'us' anymore, remember?"

"Please, Sora, let's talk somewhere alone, alright?"

I sighed. I guess he was right, talking about anything on campus wasn't going to give us the privacy we needed, especially if it would lead me to tears again. "Fine."

When we got back to his place, we sat down on the couch. "Sora, I miss you."

I stared at him...it was what I wanted to hear him say for so long, and here he was...telling me those words. "...You do?"

"Yes, but...if we're going to make things work, we have to fix our problems...that is...if you still want to."

I nodded in agreement. I still loved him, I would do anything to have him back. He leaned over and kissed me passionately. I had been craving this for weeks. I kissed him back and the kissing became more aggressive and needy. "God...I missed you so much, Sora." His hands ravaged my entire body and I let him, before I knew it, we were having the best sex we've ever had.

Afterwards, he let me cuddle with him, I looked up at him and he smiled and gave me a soft kiss on my forehead. I turned away from him so that he could hold me, but before I knew it, tears were falling down my eyes. We were back together...but I still felt empty, I still felt the pain...did he still love me? Not being able to answer yes to my own question made more tears cascade down. And the entire time, Matt, the man that I loved, had no idea.

_To be continued..._

I know, it was very emo the first chapter. But that's how break ups are and that's what a girl can go through.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

After just laying there with him for an hour, he poked me. "You hungry, Sora?"

"No," I replied quietly.

"Sora, what's wrong?" Matt sat up and made me face him.

"Um...does this mean we're back together, Matt? Like...is everything okay between us?"

He looked at me and kissed me. "Well...let's just call this a trial period, alright? We'll see how things go."

"But...we just..."

"I know...but we still have to work through our problems."

"Then...shouldn't we not be doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Spending time with each other...having sex...shouldn't we be talking instead?"

"Well...this is part of working things out isn't it? I mean...come on, Sora, it's not like you were completely against it."

Angered I got up and dressed. Matt sighed and got up as well. "Sora, I still care about you, it's not like I'm using you or anything, I just don't want to get your hopes up in case we can't fix our problems. Don't be angry...I'm just trying to be realistic."

I looked into his eyes, even with all the hatred I felt towards him, for making me feel as if I was just used, an object to get him off, I still loved him. Why? Why did I have to have these feelings for him? I gave in. "Let's just take it slow then okay?"

He hugged me and agreed.

Later that night I walked home, I needed time to think for myself. I was confused about how I felt towards Matt. We had spent the rest of the day together, doing date-like things. After he made a late lunch we went to go see a movie and had ice cream afterwards. It was one of the things we typically did together...it felt normal while we were doing it, but there were moments when I couldn't help but feel sad inside. When I got home I immediately laid down in bed. Maybe I should just be happy that we're back together. I looked into my walk-in closet, which was across from my bed. In the corner I could see the pile of stuff that meant something in our relationship, pictures, gifts, cards...I had shoved them all there the day after he broke up with me. I walked over and pulled out a framed photo of us together from the beginning of our relationship, we were sitting on a couch together and our faces were leaned in towards each other. I had on my typical closed mouth smile and he had this incredibly dorky one on. It was my favourite picture of us...we were so happy then, of course we were...it was the beginning of the relationship. I was about to put it back on my dresser, but then I set it back down and closed my closet door. A part of me wasn't letting me put it back out.

I woke up the next day and checked my phone. It was Friday, I had no classes so I stayed in bed for a little longer. This was becoming a really bad habit...I had always just laid in bed after I wake up...but I usually never stayed longer than fifteen minutes. Now sometimes I found myself staying there for nearly an hour. After twenty minutes I forced myself to get up and take a shower and get myself looking presentable. Still feeling down, I decided that I should call Tai. I knew that I needed to get a genuine smile on my face, and I knew that he would be the one person I can count on to do that. I walked over to my cell and it started ringing, it was Matt.

"Hey."

"Hey, Sora, what are you up to?"

"I just got out of the shower."

"Come over today."

"Why?"

"Uh...because I want to see you? Spend time with you?"

I hesitated. "Maybe."

"Maybe? Come on, come over and we'll talk."

Maybe seeing each other would be a good for us...so I agreed. I blow dried my hair and put my everyday makeup on and he arrived to pick me up as soon as I finished getting ready. We spent the day doing pretty much what we did yesterday. Movies...eating...sex. We never really got around to talking, and when I was about to bring it up before we went to dinner, Matt got a phone call.

"What's wrong?" I asked when I saw the worried look on his face.

"T.K.'s in the hospital, he got into a car accident."

"Oh my god, is he going to be okay?"

"Yeah...well, I gotta go see him in the hospital anyways." Matt quickly grabbed his keys and I followed him out into his car. He looked pretty shaken up; I took his free hand and gave it a squeeze.

When we arrived at the hospital, Matt went into see T.K., I had to wait by the waiting room since I wasn't immediate family. I hated hospitals, they had always frightened me, the only time I remember being in one was when my dad had to go into get surgery, and it wasn't a great experience. I hated seeing him lying there not at full health. I shook the memory out of my head and sat there anxiously. After thirty minutes Matt came back in.

"How's T.K.?" I asked.

"The doctors said he'll be fine, he's almost knocked out right now from all the painkillers they're giving him. He just has some injuries, he'll fully recover," Matt looked a lot better than before.

"That's great!"

"Yeah...I'm gonna go back into talk to him for a bit more, do you need a magazine or anything?"

I shook my head, reading a magazine while people that were around me were sick and injured just seemed weird.

"Okay...well, I'll be back soon."

A while later Matt came back out and we silently walked out of the hospital. As he was driving me home he thanked me. "I know you didn't have to come...and you weren't really doing much there...but thanks for coming, Sora."

I leaned over and kissed his cheek and took a hold of his hand. "Of course I'd come...I love you."

He didn't say anything; he just kept his eyes on the road, so I quietly took my hand away. The rest of the drive home was silent and awkward.

When we arrived by my apartment, he turned to me to say goodnight.

"Matt, don't you still have feelings for me?"

"I do."

"But...you didn't say you loved me back."

"...Because I don't, Sora."

Tears started to fall. "But then...why the hell are we HERE?"

"Sora...I still have feelings for you, they're just not the same as before. After everything that happened I lost feelings for you...but they're still there...I just...don't think I love you right now."

I cried. "But I realized my mistakes, I know what I did wrong and I told you I would fix it. I won't be so jealous anymore..."

"It wasn't only that Sora...I just...feel really pressured when I'm with you."

"Pressured? Pressured to do what?"

"I don't know! I mean...I'm only twenty-one. There's still so much I want to do with my life...touring around the world with my band...being financially stable and able to afford a decent car and a down payment on a house. I can't do these things if I'm with you, Sora."

"So being with me would prevent you from achieving these things? How the hell does that work?"

"Because, Sora! When we were together, I was so committed to you."

"And what's wrong with being committed to someone? I still don't understand how being with me would prevent you from doing anything you want in life. If anything, I would support you."

"Well, when I'm with you, it feels like you want to get married or something. I mean, I know you want to get married...and have children, and the thing is, I know you don't want to wait too long to achieve these things."

"Matt...stop pulling excuses out of your ass. Never, once, did I ever indicate that I wanted to get married soon."

"I know...it's just the vibe you give off. You're always so caring...and nurturing...you have all those...wife qualities. Most girls our age just go off clubbing every weekend and get drunk and meet countless guys."

"I don't do those things because I prefer not to, Matt. NOT because I plan on becoming a housewife."

"Do you see us marrying in the future, Sora?"

"What? There's no good answer to that, Matt and you know it. I'm either going to offend you by saying 'no' or pressure you even more apparently if I say 'yes'."

"Tell me."

"No, that's an unfair question."

"Well...I thought of us being together in the future...and the idea didn't seem so...bad."

"Okay...what's your point?"

"The thing is, the fact that I could see us together scared me. I mean...that would mean that 'this is it'. I wouldn't get to meet people, and my freedom is gone forever even though it's already been gone for years."

I was fuming. "Meet people? You mean girls."

He sighed, "I don't know, Sora, just people in general."

"How the hell would being in a committed relationship with me prevent you from meeting people. The only people they'd prevent you from meeting are other girls you can freely fuck around with."

"I'm don't want to meet people just to screw around, Sora!"

"Well, that's basically what you're saying isn't it?"

"I don't know! I just don't want to commit to you because after we're done university, I'm going to be going on tours around the world. I don't want to leave you alone here to wait for me"

"Oh, so now this is a selfless act?"

"Sora, I know how you'll react if I spend months away from you. Don't you remember that summer when I had to tour around Japan, it was difficult for you wasn't it? I was away for so long, and those fans...I know you can't stand some of them and the things they do...or rather want to do."

"It was difficult at first, because I was used to having you around more, but I dealt with it, Matt, and I trusted you. I was FINE, so stop interpreting how I felt wrongly."

"Well, I felt guilty leaving you behind, and putting you through that, I don't want to do it again, especially for periods of half a year. If...if I met other people...and dated other girls, I wouldn't feel so guilty about leaving them behind. I just don't know if I want to be committed right now." Tears were streaking down my cheeks. Matt moved his hand over to brush them off and I moved away. "Sora...don't cry."

"What do you want, Matt?"

"What?"

"What do you WANT?"

He sat there silently and looked sad. "I don't know."

"You come and tell me you want to work things out. Now it just sounds like you're confused again. Why the HELL would you tell me you want things to work when you don't even want to be with me?"

He sighed. "I DO want to be with you, Sora. I just...I don't know. I still like you, Sora."

I got out of his car and slammed the door. He didn't follow me.

When I got inside the apartment I searched for something to drink. I found a bottle of rum and drank from it. I sank to the kitchen floor and cried. How could he...how could he not know whether he'd rather be with a bunch of random girls or be with me. I looked over at my cell which had fallen from my purse when I threw it onto the floor. Maybe I should call Tai...something that I should've done instead of seeing Matt.

"Hey, Tai."

"Sora, what's wrong?"

"I need you here."

"Um...I'm right in the middle of dinner."

"Please."

"I'll try to come as soon as I can okay? Are you going to be alright alone for a little bit?"

"Mmm...hmm." As long as Tai was coming, I knew I wouldn't do anything stupid. So while I waited for him, I drank more from the bottle. I had finished about a third of it when Tai finally arrived.

"Tai!" I stumbled over to him and gave him a hug.

"Whoa...you started drinking without me?"

"Mmhmm." I shoved the bottle into his hand.

"You're certainly becoming quite the alcoholic these days."

"Shut up!"

He gave me a dorky smile and literally had to drag me towards the couch. "Sora, what happened? I thought Matt wanted to work things out again."

I explained to him, in my tipsy state anyway, what happened.

While I was explaining things to him, Tai started drinking as well. "Sora, Matt's an idiot..."

"I agree."

"Don't cry over him anymore...he doesn't deserve you, or your time or your tears. I mean...he's my friend...or was my best friend and all...but honestly he sounds like a selfish child who wants everything. And you're an amazing person, Sora. You shouldn't be with someone like that."

"And cute. Way too cute for him."

Tai laughed, "yes, you're way too cute for him."

I giggled. "And you're hot."

"Oh really?"

"Yes."

Tai laughed, "Hmm, I seem to remember a young Sora calling me a 'dorky monkey-face.' Claiming that I looked like a monkey, and smelled and acted like one."

"Well then you...are a sexy dorky monkey-face." We both laughed and when it died down, we couldn't stop looking at each other. Before I knew it I was leaning into kiss him...and he didn't pull away. We made out for hours...and it wasn't until tomorrow morning that I noticed the thirty missed calls from Matt.

_To be continued..._

_Anyone have any comments so far?_


	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks for the few reviews I got, appreciate them _

**Chapter Three**

"Shit," was all I could say when I woke up the next morning with the sudden realization of what happened last night. When I noticed my phone vibrating every few minutes, I reached to the coffee table and picked it up, I had 30 missed calls from Matt. Guilt started to come over me, but then so did anger.

"Mmm," Tai stirred from behind me. We fell asleep last night with him holding me from behind and his arms were still around me. I turned over and saw that he was completely asleep. A small smile came over my face. It was so typical of Tai, to be able to sleep through anything. Not wanting to leave the comfort of my best friend I closed my eyes and moved in closer to him and drifted back to sleep.

"Sora, wake up," Tai poked and prodded me probably an hour after I drifted off to sleep.

"Mmm...no..."

"Come on...its noon."

"...So? You've been known to sleep until 4:00pm," I mumbled sleepily with my eyes still closed.

"Yeah...well, come on, get up, sleeping for too long can't be good for you. I'll even make you breakfast."

"Hmm...Okay," I opened my eyes and smiled at him. It was always nice to have a guy cook for you. Matt always cooked for me before, and he was really good at it too.

While Tai was preparing breakfast, I took a shower and changed into new clothing. By the time I was finished, so was the breakfast. He had made scrambled eggs with sausages and toast and had the table all set up with each of us having a glass of orange juice.

"Wow, good job, Tai."

"Yeah you better appreciate this," he said jokingly. "I mean it's not often I'll make a gourmet meal for anyone but myself."

"Gourmet? Tai, it's breakfast food, it doesn't require much effort."

"Oh? You'd rather not eat this then? Are you too good for my food?" He sat up and picked up my plate and started heading towards the sink

"Hehe stop!" I took the plate back from him. "Thank you for breakfast, Tai."

So the rest of breakfast went like that, just playful exchanges with one another, but neither of us brought up what had happened the previous night and it was starting to bother me.

After breakfast Tai said he had to get going, he said he promised that he'd take his sister Kairi somewhere. "I'm really sorry, Sora, but I'll talk to you soon?"

Before I could even ask him about last night, he gave me a kiss before he walked out the door. It took me by surprise; the kiss was so soft and sweet. They were nothing like the ones that Matt and I have shared. But...I didn't have feelings for Tai right? I mean...I just turned to him when I really needed comfort...right?

I heard my phone vibrating against the coffee table again. I walked over to it and picked it up, it was Matt.

"Oh my god, Sora, where've you been? I called you so many times last night and you didn't pick up."

"Yeah...I know."

"What happened? What were you doing?"

"Nothing," I lied.

"But you didn't pick up any of my calls."

"I didn't feel like talking to anyone."

Matt sighed on the other end. "See me today."

"What?"

"I know you're still upset about last night, so please, let's talk this out again."

"I don't really want to talk about this anymore, Matt. You already made it pretty clear that you'd rather meet other girls than be with me."

"Sora! You know that's not the only reason, just please, see me, or I'll come over."

"...I don't know."

"Sora, I'm coming. I'll be there in a half hour." He hung up the phone.

I sat down on my couch and buried my hands into my face. What was wrong with me? All I could say was 'I don't know.' I knew I had to be stronger than this...Matt...isn't good for me, right? I laid there on the couch until he arrived.

I opened the door and he greeted me with a hug. Oh god, he was hugging me, and I couldn't pull away...I actually didn't want him to, I felt so much comfort being in his arms, but at the same time I felt like crying. He lifted up my chin and asked me how I was feeling.

I glared at him, "how do you think I feel?"

"I know...bad question."

We both walked into my room and he laid down on my bed and I sat on it. "...What do you want to do, Sora?"

"How do you feel about me?"

"I already told you...I care about you, as a girlfriend, I like you."

"...You don't love me anymore?"

"I can't lie...I don't." Tears started rolling down my eyes. "Sora, don't cry...just because I don't love you, it doesn't mean I don't want to be with you. I've already told you that."

"Then what's the point?"

"Well...maybe...we can fall in love with each other again, I mean we did it at one point didn't we? And it's not as if we fell in love over the course of a few days."

"Well it seemed easy for you to fall out of love."

"It's not that it was easy, it just happened. You have to understand that."

"I just find it ridiculous that you would want to be with someone you don't love."

"But I like you!"

"Do you really?"

His tone started getting harder. "Of course I do, and stop asking me that, it's as if you doubt me."

"You're not just getting back together with me to use me? I mean we've basically almost just only had sex since we started seeing each other again."

"Sora, if I wanted to have sex, I could get it from anyone. I have feelings for YOU. Tell me what you want, Sora."

I sat there and thought silently for a while. I knew that if there was a chance to end this pain before it got worse, it was now. I could move on while I still had some kind of strength. But a part of me told me not to, not to give up...because I love him and when it was good, it was _good_. Tai then suddenly popped up into my mind, what would he think about this situation? He obviously still had feelings for me if he could kiss me like that...but I knew that right now my feelings were for Matt...As much as I knew that they shouldn't be. "I want things to work out," I told him.

"Then let's take it day by day...and see how things go. Is that okay with you? We can see if we've fixed anything, because some issues, like jealousy, you can only see with time."

At least this way I get to be with him. I nodded in agreement. I wanted to be back in his arms, lying there next to him on my bed in comfort. Why was I so weak when it came to him?

"But, Sora, just hold back a little okay? And I'll hold a little back too, just in case things don't work."

Hold back? I wasn't sure if it was what I wanted him to do. But I guess he was right...I had to hold back a part of my heart if I didn't want to end up in the state I was in before, or even worse.

He sat up and kissed my forehead. "I just don't want to see you hurt like that again, and I don't want to be the reason for it."

Wanting to kiss him so badly, I just nodded and agreed. Stupid me. He leaned over towards me and we kissed and eventually ended up having sex. Again afterwards I cried silently away from him...I've been doing this every single time...I knew that right now he was mine...but at the same time I knew that he doesn't love me...why was I just accepting this? Was I so desperate and weak that I would give up and go through anything just to be with him?

The two of us spent the rest of the weekend together barely leaving the apartment. All we did was watch movies, cook, eat, cuddle, sex and sleep. Tai had called a few times but I wasn't ready to talk to him. I was afraid of what he would think of me. I didn't call him back until late Sunday night when Matt finally left.

"Hey, Sora!"

"Hey...Sorry I haven't been able to call you back, Tai...stuffs just been going on."

"That's alright, I understand. But, anyways, are you busy tomorrow?"

"Um, I'm done class at 12:30, but I guess I'm free after that until 6, I have to work." I had actually made plans to see Matt before work, but I guess I could back out of them. It's not like we were going to be doing anything different then what we did this weekend.

"Okay, well I'll come to pick you up after class and we'll go out for crepes, I've been craving them and you weren't picking up so I was dying without them, so I guess that means you'll have to treat me."

I giggled. "Tai, I can't be the only person you'd want to have crepes with."

"Uh yeah you are! I know you never finish your plate AND you're a slow eater so I can steal some of yours as soon as I'm done mine."

"Pig! I'll just have to eat faster!"

"Yeah, well I doubt you can compete with my amazing eating speed. So I'll see you tomorrow right?"

"Yeah," I smiled.

"Sweet dreams, Sora."

The next morning I texted Matt that I wasn't going to be able to see him, and he replied saying that he was fine with it and he'd see me on Tuesday, or Wednesday when we had class together.

When I got into Tai's car, he was wearing his goofy grin, "so you ready to fight for your food?"

I stuck my tongue out at him.

"So, how was your weekend?" he asked.

Not ready to tell him about Matt, I told him it was fine...I spent most of it watching movies...which was true...kind of.

When we arrived and both ordered our food we talked about everything. It was so easy to talk to Tai...I mean with Matt I could talk to him about anything, but there were sometimes moments of silence between us. It used to be a good thing, because I was comfortable with the silence between us before, but now it was just awkward silence which happened a few times over the weekend. It was as if I was afraid to say anything to him.

Halfway through our meal, I looked up at the customers who just walked in and froze. It was Matt with three of his band mates, and two girls I recognized to be their girlfriends. He hadn't noticed me yet, good...maybe I can get away with this...but that'll be hard...not that many girls had long red hair like mine.

"Uh, you okay?" Tai must've noticed the sudden shocked look on my face.

Matt then turned towards us, must've been Tai's familiar voice. His eyes met mine, I saw a look of confusion and slight anger flash over his face. He then walked towards us as the rest of his friends sat down at a table at the opposite end of the suddenly too small restaurant.

"Hey, guys."

"Hey," Tai quickly replied. "How's it going, Matt?"

"Fine...I'll talk to you after work right, Sora?"

I nodded. Oh god, what was he going to do? For once, I didn't want him to kiss me, because I knew that Tai would definitely not like it.

Matt then leaned down and gave me a kiss on the cheek and said that he'd call me.

Tai and I sat in silence picking at our food for a while.

"So...you didn't tell me you were back together with Matt."

"Sorry...I just..."

Before I could finish my sentence, Tai asked the waitress for the bill.

"Let's talk about this somewhere else, alright?"

I nodded. Tai paid for the bill and on our way out, the two of us walked by Matt's table and I gave a small wave and a smile to Matt.

Tai drove to a nearby park that the two if us used to play in all the time as kids and we both walked over to sit under our favourite tree.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Tai nodded. "Why'd you call me that night, Sora? What did Matt say to you to make you upset?"

I told him everything that happened that night, and what we had discussed before we spent the weekend together...our "trial period."

"Is that what you really want, Sora?"

I sighed. "I don't know."

"I'm telling you this as a friend...he's no good for you."

"I know."

"Then why?"

"I can't let go of him, it's too hard...and I'm sorry about the other night...I didn't mean to lead you on."

"Don't be sorry, it was one of the best nights I had." Tai gave me a weak smile.

Guilt washed over me. "I'd understand if you were mad and didn't want to talk to me anymore."

"Are you crazy? I'm still going to talk to you, Sora. You're a great person, and my best friend."

I smiled. "Thank you, you really are the best, Tai."

The two of us sat in comfortable silence with each other. Slowly, without even noticing the two of us were somehow inching closer and closer together until we were leaning against each other for support. That's when I heard my phone ring, it was Matt.

"Are you still with him?" he angrily questioned.

"What?"

"Are you?"

"Yes."

"Where are you?"

"Why?"

"Because I want to see you, Sora, and you ditched out on me earlier, so don't refuse."

I reluctantly told him where we were.

After I hung up, Tai looked at me curiously. "Is he coming here now?"

"Yes," I replied.

We both sat there again in silence when was suddenly he whispered, "leave him, Sora. Please...I love you."

"What? I can't."

"Why not?" Tai suddenly sat up straight causing me to fall over a little bit.

"Tai...I thought you understood."

"Well, I don't. You're an amazing person and you deserve to be happy, and yet you keep coming back to this guy, who clearly doesn't love you, who tries very hard to make it clear to you that he doesn't love you. Don't you think you deserve better?"

"Yes...but..." I couldn't think of what to say, I knew he was right, I had to be stupid to keep coming back to Matt. Tears rolled down my cheeks, I did want to be happy, but at the same time I wanted to be with Matt and why did the two things I wanted and need have to be conflicting? Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by Tai.

"Don't cry," he wiped the tears away from my cheeks and leaned in to kiss me.

Feeling the shock by the sudden kiss, I didn't pull away instantly but before I got the chance to, I heard a voice yell out, "what the hell do you think you're doing?"

It was Matt.

_To be continued... _


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks again for the reviews, let me know what you think after this chapter!

**Chapter 4**

I quickly pulled away from Tai. "Matt! Wait!"

But Matt had already come running over and then he punched Tai right in his jaw. Tai staggered backwards a bit. Tai was just about to get himself composed again when Matt landed another punch on Tai's face. "Well Tai!?" Matt yelled. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"Why does it matter to you? It's not like you care about her!"

"What would you know?! It's our relationship so stay the fuck away from her! Sora, let's go." Matt grabbed my hand.

"What? No!" I didn't want to leave. I looked over at Tai and could already see a huge bruise coming onto his face.

"So then what, Sora? Are you going to be with Tai now? Is that why you're too busy sucking face with him to be with me?" Matt glared at me angrily and gripped onto my hand even tighter.

"Ow...you're hurting me," I cried.

"So then why were you kissing him?"

"I kissed her," Tai said coldly. "So let go of her fucking hand."

Matt's anger turned towards Tai as he let go of his extremely tight grip. "Stay away from her."

"You can't tell me what to do."

Matt walked over to Tai again and started punching him angrily, Tai didn't fight back, and he was now on the ground. I couldn't stand seeing this happen, I ran over to Matt and grabbed onto his arm, "Matt, I'll leave with you if you stop!"

Matt immediately stopped and got up. He gave Tai one more kick and took my hand and led me away. I reluctantly followed him. I turned back to glance at Tai, our eyes met and he looked away. I got into Matt's car and he started driving towards my place.

"I want you to stay away from him, Sora."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"Why do I have to? Tai was the only person who was really there for me when I was going through a hard time, everyone else was too busy for me because I basically became unimportant to them when we started going out. You had me spend all my free time with you!"

"Well how the hell is that my problem, Sora? And that's not the point, the point is that Tai clearly wants to be more than just your friend and you're not preventing it from happening."

"What?! How many times have you talked to girls and very fucking clearly they wanted more from you? And what do you tell me? You just tell me to deal with it and trust you and whenever I have a difficult time with that you just call me a jealous freak!"

"That's completely different! Those are my FANS Sora! Or have you forgotten that what I do usually will lead to girls giving me attention, it's all part of the business, and you KNEW that getting into the relationship with me!"

"Well it's not as if you don't enjoy and relish in their attention!"

"As I said, Sora, it's all part of the business. Do you think I'd have as many fans if I told everyone of them off when they asked for a picture or a hug or anything for that matter?"

"Forget it, Matt, I know nothing is going to change what you think, and that goes for me as well. I need Tai around."

The rest of the ride was silent. He walked me up to my apartment. "Can I still come in?" he asked.

I was angry, I was confused, but when I looked into his eyes I found myself saying, "yes."

He walked into my room, and sat down on my bed, I stayed standing.

We both looked at each other silently, he then scanned my room. "How come our picture isn't up anymore?" he suddenly asked.

"...I haven't had the chance to put it back up."

"I never took ours down..."

"...I wasn't...completely ready to accept that you were really back, Matt, a part of me didn't want to believe it."

"But we are together," he stood up and tried to hug me.

"How could I believe that? Especially when you were still confused and unsure about your feelings for me or about what you wanted."

"I might've been unsure but I still wanted things to work out, so let's just keep trying okay? Take it day by day just like we said we would," he leaned down towards me and gave me a kiss.

Again I gave in to his kisses. I couldn't stop doing this to myself, I loved Matt, but a part of me inside was screaming that this was wrong and the other part was screaming out that I need to be with Matt, because I love him and here he was, willing to work things out.

Matt eventually drove me to work. I walked in and my manager saw me looking distracted and distant. He asked me if I was alright, and I suddenly burst into tears, so he told me that I could take the rest of the day off. I took out my cell and debated over who I should call.

"Hey," he answered.

"Tai, are you alright?"

"Yeah."

"I feel so bad about earlier, I'm so sorry, Tai."

"Alright."

"Can I come over and see you?"

"I thought you were working."

"Well...I got let off, so can I please see you?"

It was a while before he replied yes.

I bussed over to his apartment and let myself in knowing that he always left the door unlocked. I saw him on the couch mindlessly watching television. I walked over to join him.

"Hey..."

"What did you come over for?"

"I just wanted to talk to you, Tai...and see if you were okay."

"What did you and Matt do after?"

"Nothing...he drove me home and then he drove me to work."

"So you're still together?"

"Yes."

"You still love him, don't you?"

"...Yeah, I do."

Tai sighed. "Maybe being friends isn't such a good idea right now."

"But I thought..." I stopped myself. Maybe Tai was right, I shouldn't be putting him through any kind of torment.

"Sora...only you can figure out for yourself what you really need and I thought that I could handle being your friend, but seeing you cry like that, and being unable to really help you...I can't deal with it."

I simply nodded. "I guess I should leave then." I really didn't want to leave, I felt so guilty, I was the reason he had all those bruises on his face.

Tai looked over at me, "well...maybe you can stay a bit...I feel bad...you did come all the way here."

"Okay, well let me make it up to you, I'll order your favourite pizza and I'll run out and grab a movie...how's that sound?"

"Sounds fine."

An hour later we were both sitting on his couch eating pizza and watching one of those lame guy comedic guy movies, but I knew it was one of his favourites. For a while we forgot the situation that we were in earlier and just enjoyed each other's company. When the movie ended Tai told me he'd give me a ride home. I didn't actually want to leave yet but I agreed, since I knew that I was in no position to say otherwise. We said goodnight to each other and I walked into my room looked over at my books and realized that there was no way I could do anything with everything that was going on. I ended up falling asleep to my thoughts. I loved Matt so much...I should just be happy he's with me right?

_A month later..._

I was sitting at home waiting for Matt's call. He said that he would spend time with me today, and it was already 6:00pm and I still haven't heard from him. I hated when he made plans and wouldn't tell me specifics, frustrated that I could've been doing something else, I was about to leave the apartment.

"Sora, is Matt here?" It was my mother, she had finally come home after being away visiting my father for two months.

"No."

"So where are you going?"

"Just out."

"Are things between you two okay?"

I didn't answer her. I honestly didn't know if things were okay. This past month, on some days we were great, we had so much fun together, on others it was full of tears and drama. I also missed Tai. I wanted to talk to him so bad...but I figured I'd probably be the last person he'd want to talk to right now. Before my mom could say anything else, my phone rang, it was Matt.

"Hey."

"Hey, Sora, I'll be at your place in about fifteen minutes alright?"

"I'll be at the coffee shop across the street."

"Alright, that's fine, I'll see you soon."

I walked into the coffee shop and got my usual black tea with one sugar. I sat down on the comfy couch when an older guy sat down across from me.

"Not a coffee drinker?"

"No," this guy was hot. I felt intimidated by him. He had long hair, kind of like Matt's, but much sexier and shaggier and it was dark, and he also had piercing green eyes.

He gave a small laugh, "sorry I just didn't know what else to say."

I gave him a small smile. I myself didn't know what else to say...it's been years since any other guy has given me attention. I was always with Matt.

"Aw...silence," he gave me a smile. "I guess that means you're taken."

"Well...yes."

"Haha, sorry, I should've known a cute girl like you would already have a boyfriend." He stood up and gave me a wink before he walked away back to another table. I guess he was sitting there before.

My phone finally rang, Matt was here. I got into his car and he greeted me with a small "hey."

"I thought we were going to spend the whole day together," I got right to the point. I was still miffed by this.

"Well, we're spending most of the day together, aren't we?"

"It's already 7:30."

He sighed, "you're not going to make an issue out of this are you?"

"Well, when you say you're going to spend the whole day with me, I thought it would mean, well the WHOLE day."

"I was just busy, alright?"

"You could've called."

"Well, I didn't alright? So let's just drop it."

I looked over at him, he was driving with both hands on the wheel, usually he doesn't do that, he always leaves his right hand free to hold mine. Was he slipping away from me again? "Where are we going?"

"Well, I'm feeling hungry, so let's go eat."

We stopped in front of our favourite Viet/Thai restaurant. After we ordered our food it was awkward and it didn't help that he seemed moody. The one word replies were driving me insane.

"What's wrong?" I finally asked.

"Nothing, I'm just tired, I had a long day."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

The food finally arrived, Matt had ordered some fried fish thing, the smell was disgusting. I usually hated the smell of fried fish, but this time it was unbearable. Trying to hide my disgust I dug into my food, but the smell began to intoxicate me and suddenly I felt like gagging. I stood up and ran to the washroom. I felt like throwing up. Nothing came out, probably since I haven't eaten much in the past few days. Five minutes later I walked back out again. Matt had already finished eating most of his food.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah...the smell was just killing me a little bit."

Matt nodded, he then picked up his plate and gave it to the waiter. "Sorry, forgot you couldn't stand the smell."

"No! I usually can, just this time, it was just way too strong...I'm sorry, here you can have some of my food."

"Thanks, hun," it was the first time he called me that in a while. The two of us shared the rest of the meal in silence. After we finished eating he suggested that he should probably drive me home.

"What? But all we did was have dinner together."

"I know, but it seems like you're sick and honestly, Sora, I really am tired."

I was disappointed, but I guess spending the rest of the night being awkward around each other would be strange. Reluctantly I agreed. Instead of walking into my building when Matt's car was out of sight, I went back into the coffee shop, I needed some kind of chocolate, and a cake or a brownie sounded really good right now. Walking in I saw that guy again, hoping I wouldn't look like an idiot going into the same place twice in one day I tried to quickly get by him and pay for my cake. Luckily he didn't see me so I sat down in a different corner of the shop, but a few minutes later he walked over to me.

"Hey! You're back!"

"Yup."

"And cake this time, good choice."

"Thanks."

He studied me for a few seconds, "is it alright if I join you? You look like you could use some company."

I smiled, maybe some company would be good. "Yeah, that'd be okay."

He brought his stuff over and sat down across from me. "So...you couldn't resist my charms and just had to come back?" He gave me a playful wink.

I stuck my tongue out at him. "Well I'm not the one who has nothing better to do then sip on the same cup of coffee for two or three hours."

"Hey! I've had more than just one. Besides, I just like chilling here, it's a nice atmosphere."

He was right, I loved the jazzy cozy atmosphere myself. "So is it that obvious I could use company?"

"Hmm...kind of."

"How can you tell?"

"You're not exactly hard to read, or I'm just really amazing at reading people. So tell me what's bothering you."

"Tell you? You're a complete stranger!"

"Which makes it better, it's always easier telling a stranger then your friends, strangers can't judge, nor do they have any bias."

"I guess that's true...but I don't even know your name!"

He laughed, "alright well how bout we introduce ourselves after you tell me everything, that way I'll stay a complete stranger."

I agreed. So I launched into the story of Matt and me without using any names, from the beginning right up until now and all of our problems and all of the flaws that we each had that affected our relationship.

"Wow," he said at the end of it. "Sounds like some serious drama. Especially the fact that he finds every opportunity possible to remind you that he's no longer in love with you, but yet for some reason he still wants to hold onto you. Have you gotten any of your other friend's opinion on this?"

"Well..." I thought about it, and I realized that I haven't really talked to anyone about this.

"No one to talk to?"

"Not...really. Well, I had this one friend, but I'm not allowed to talk to him since my boyfriend's not comfortable with it...and I don't think that friend wants to talk to me right now either." That's when I told him everything about Tai. About the best friend who loved me since we were kids and was always there for me.

He listened intently, suddenly it seemed like some realization had hit him. "Oh my god, you're Sora aren't you?"

A little shocked I could only reply with, "huh?"

He gave me a half smile, "I'm one of Tai's good friends...We've taken a couple courses together in university."

"Oh..." I really didn't know what to say.

"Yes. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Are you happy? Like, truly happy? The happiest you could possibly be right now?"

"...No."

"Then get out of the relationship, or sit down with him, and really, REALLY talk about these issues. It...seems like he no longer holds it valuable, not as much as he should anyway. You say he doesn't know what he wants, what if he's still with you out of convenience? He sees you as a wife in the future, but he doesn't want you as his girlfriend now. He's just keeping you around at an emotional distance until he needs you and at the same time he's not giving you what you need. He gets everything from you, and you get nothing back."

Everything he said struck the truth. "What should I do?"

"Clearly, you should talk to him and ask him to make a definite decision, or get out of it yourself."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because, I love him."

"And love is hard...but being unhappy is worse isn't it?"

"I guess...but I'm afraid if I make him really choose, he won't pick me."

"Well don't you think you should know something like that? That if in the end he would really rather be doing other things or meeting other people?"

"...I don't want him to meet other people, I can't bear the thought of him being with another girl. I know this sounds stupid and corny, but I want to be the love of his life, just like he is to me."

"Is he your first love?"

"Yes...he was my first everything."

Tai's friend gave me a sad smile, "you'll never forget your first love and you'll never completely get over them, and it's always the hardest to get away from, even though you know you should. I know I don't know you that well, but I do know you're smarter than this, I know deep down you know what's better for you."

Tears rolled down my cheeks. I did love him, I love Matt so much. But he was right. I wasn't happy. "Thank you...for listening and for waking me up a little bit."

"No problem...oh, I'm Dan by the way."

I smiled, "thanks, Dan." The two of us sat there in silence for a little while, then I suddenly remembered this, was Tai's friend. "How's Tai doing anyway?"

"Maybe you should ask him yourself."

"But-"

"Yeah, I know he said that it wouldn't be a good idea to be friends, but really, you should talk to him...But try not to do it until you resolve your issues with your boyfriend."

"Yeah, I understand."

As the night went on when I walked home, I became more and more confident that I was going to talk to Matt about everything and that I would be better off without him. I could finally get back on track in life without him, maybe do better in school and maybe I could talk to Tai again...If he would want to.

Unfortunately the confidence of me being okay without Matt left me as soon as I woke up. My dinner last night did as well. I woke up feeling nauseous and ended up running to the bathroom to throw up.

This was not normal...and then it suddenly hit me. Running back to my room in a panic I opened up my wallet and took out my birth control pills. I was on my placebo week and counting back the days in my head...I realized that I should've gotten my period days ago...shit. I couldn't possibly be pregnant, I mean I'm on the pill for fucks sake! I sat down and thought through my actions carefully in the past month. I knew there were occasions when I took the pill a few hours late...but...it wasn't like I haven't done that before and nothing bad happened from it. The dread set in...I should've been more careful. Not even caring how horrible I looked I ran out to the drug store near the apartment and grabbed an early detecting pregnancy test. I went into a public washroom to do this. The last thing I wanted was my mother to find this somehow in the trash of our apartment. The next few minutes were the longest of my life. And the result told me I was going to be in for an even longer nine months.

I felt like breaking down and crying, why was it that when I was about to get my life together something like this had to happen? I didn't cry though. Somehow I managed to maintain my cool and walk back home as if nothing had happened. I dialled Matt's number, he wasn't picking up. Suddenly realizing that he probably was practicing with his band, I got myself ready and then took out the car and drove to his bandmate's huge house where they did all their practicing.

He looked surprised to see me, but not really in a good way. "Hey, Sora...what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to see my boyfriend."

"Um...okay, I'm kind of busy right now. Didn't I tell you I was going to be all Saturday and Sunday?"

"Yes, but I want to talk."

"Can it wait?"

"No."

He sighed and reluctantly walked over to his friends to tell them that he had to take off for a bit. The two of us walked into my car and sat there to talk.

"So what is it?"

I couldn't find the words. I didn't know what to say...or even where to start.

"Sora, I'm not here to do the whole 'silence' thing with you."

I looked at him, he was so cold. The way he used to look at me even just two months ago was gone. "Do you love me?" I finally asked.

"...No...Sora I told you this already...I still like you though..."

"Do you want to be with me?"

"Haven't we been through this?"

I ignored him. "Do you want to be with me?"

"Yes! Why do you think I'm here?"

"Matt, do you really want to be with me? Answer me honestly."

He sighed, and looked into my eyes, and I knew what his answer was. Quietly I told him to get out of the car.

"Sora! Don't be rash, I...I just..."

"Just WHAT, Matt?"

"We've been through this! There's so much I want to do and...I don't know it's scary because with you, this is IT, like that's IT for my life."

"Then get out of my car and go to your fucking freedom."

"I...don't want to lose you though."

"What?! You can't HAVE everything Matt! What did you expect? For me to wait faithfully until you're done fucking around with other people?!"

I saw him tearing up. "I'm afraid if I let you go, I won't find anyone who loves me as much as you do..."

"But I'm not what you want right now."

He looked away from me. "It's not that I don't want you, Sora...it just doesn't feel right at this point in my life. I just can't be settled at this point in my life."

There was the confirmation I needed. Again I told him to get out of my car, and this time he agreed. I drove away to the park that Tai took me to not that long ago. I sat under our tree and finally cried. Here I was twenty-one and pregnant with a man who didn't want anything to do with me and my best friend and quite possibly my only real friend was no longer part of my life. What was I going to do?

_To be continued..._


End file.
